Letting people control your life and always having their own say? Time you put a stop to it. It's your life nobody can tell you how you should eat, sleep or breath never mind live.
This is something, that's always been my main problem. Feeling like I always need someones opinion or advice on whatever I do, so that I avoid making mistakes.
But.
Isn't this where we are going wrong?
Isn't life about making mistakes and dusting your self off and getting yourself back up again. Not trying to avoid mistakes that form us as human beings.
It's just a thought.
For a while now, I've been trying to figure out what's been making me so god damn unhappy. Then, I realized. Life isn't about being happy all the time. It's going to be like a rollarcoaster at times things will go up and at other times things will go down. It's all part of growing up.
Just something to think about. Do you think it's important for people to actually have their own say on your life? Or has it got completely nothing to do with them.
Thanks for taking time to read my blog guys!
Much Love
Charlie Bear.
*Got any advice or anything you want me to write about then simply email me!
Today, I'm going to talk about the importance of self confidence. Self confidence is extremely important it's involved in every aspect of our lifestyles. You'd be surprised to the amount of people that actually lack confidence including myself - it's like one big vicious circle.
I've lacked self confidence pretty much since I was a little bairn, for all yous who don't know Geordie language it means child ;). Back on topic, after a difficult childhood I was always just afraid of people and couldn't stand the thought of meeting new people. In case, they ended up hurting me or letting me down, I just didn't want to get attached to anyone. I was a kid with serious trust issues.
Unfortunately its affected the way I live my life, constantly on edge, paranoid. I go all embarrassed when someone talks to me finding it hard to get like one word out.
Damn I've always got to be the one to order last in a restaurant because I'm too frightened in case I say something wrong and the waitress turns into a shark and bites my head off like a scene from Jaws.
Here's Four Little Tips to developing your self confidence:
1. Identify your talents: Express yourself through this talent as it's a way of making you feel good about yourself. Instead of hiding this amazing talent you have develop and excel your interest.
2. Take pride jn your good qualities: What have you got that other people don't have? Yes that girl standing over there with the blonde hair and denim little shorts maybe be so 'pretty' but she might have the personality of a cow's arse you on the other hand might have a heart of gold, you might be friendly, caring even a good listener this sort of things make you special and you should be proud of them.
3. Recognise your insecurities: You need to understand yourself to be able to start developing your self confidence. You need to know what's holding you back. But don't change that negative thing as the whole reason of learning self confidence is to accept yourself for who you are and to know that you're perfect the way you are.
4. Talk about it with your friends and loved ones: These are people you can trust, they can help you find the root of your lack of self confidence and even help make you feel good about yourself again. They can help you figure out whether its something in the past, future or even now that's bringing you down.
What some people actually say about having Self Confidence:
Well I looked at two different views on the topic and they were kind of different from each other...the first view was a from a more theological view.
Dr Ivan Joesph (Athletic Director):"I asked all these parents at a university open day well what can your child do. And they said that their son/daughter was great at this and that. However their was one thing missing. Self Confidence. They didn't mention what I was looking for. Self Confidence is an important skill we're useless without it. Its the belief to believe in yourself no matter what to accomplish any sort of goal. I describe it as a skill as it can be trained and developed. There is no magic button, no simple solution to gaining self confidence."
Michelle Phan (Youtuber/Blogger):"Confidence is Latin for the word faith, there is no right or wrong to lacking self confidence. Confidence is like a muscle, everybody's born with the muscle its just whether they flex the muscle or not."
In conclusion, it's not the end of the world if you lack self confidence. Everybody has a stage through their life where they just loose all confidence in themselves but its all about getting yourself back up and dusting yourself off. Reminding yourself about what makes you, you.
Thanks for reading guys, any ideas about what you want me to write about or if there's any advice you could give just comment or send me an email.
"When two hearts are meant for each other, no distance is too far, no time is to long and no other love can break them apart"- Unknown.
This is probably the most tough sort of love that is known to man. I have mass respect for anyone who is in this situation and has managed to stay strong with their partner as I can understand that its tough. A long distance relationship is a big challenge almost like a test to see how far love can travel between you and your loved one.
I understand completely how hard it is, as a matter of few weeks ago I met a wonderful guy and he's 283 miles away. I respect the fact that it isn't as far away as other long distance relationships but its still impossible to be together or just walk around the corner to his house and watch movies on netflix with popcorn. He's wonderful, perfect, funny and makes me smile but he's so far away- so I understand the pain that some of you guys may go through.
I have 7 tips here on how to make your Long Distance Relationship not so much survive but to know how to develop and grow your love and bond for each other. Here we go!
Tip 1:Be Committed: Being Committed in a long distance relationship is crucial. It's important that you both are equally committed. Yous both need to understand that its going to take time and effort it's not going to be handed to you on a plate. You also need to ask your partner are they serious about developing what yous have? You don't want to be wasting so much time with someone who isn't as serious about the situation as yourself.
Tip 2: Be real: As much as it's nice you thinking you've found your Prince Charming. It's not a fairytale, its real life this person your talking to could possibly be your future. This is why its crucial that things aren't rushed go through the actual dating stages for example you aren't properly a couple until you've met as you want to be with someone you know is real and you actually have a connection and attraction with physically in the flesh.
Tip 3: Be open with each other: Guys, I can't stress this enough this is the key to a long distance relationship. It's important that yous guys are on the same page you feel the same, you aren't upset about anything, you don't feel pressured or as if things are being rushed. It's important that you confide in each other that's what the love of your life is there for right?
Tip 4: Have hope: Hope is your best friend it is what will develop and grow your love for each other and also will be what keeps you strong. Hope gives you that thing in the back of your mind that one day you will be together and that it's really worth the wait no matter what. It pushes away all the negativity and the odds and the miles just seem invisible.
Tip 5: Trust Each other: Trust is the whole heart of a relationship with no trust there is no relationship, any relationship needs much trust but a long distance needs ten times as much. You need to be able to trust each other so the relationship can be strong and develop. No being paranoid about whether they're going to cheat on you cause if you feel like that then there is clearly no trust there at all. Make sure you talk to each other if you ever have any paranoid thoughts on your mind.
Tip 6: Video Chatting: This is the best way of making sure that you are kind of in a way talking to your boyfriend/girlfriend on a daily basis, it also is a way of proving whether the person you are talking to is real. Most long distance relationships use skype to be able to see each others faces. It's the nearest your going to get i guess until you are able to hold each other in the flesh. It's cute you can even fall asleep together :3
Tip 7: Send gifts to each other: This is just a way of showing your partner that you care it doesn't have to be a huge present, it could simply be one of your t-shirts if your a boy or your favourite leather bracelet if your a girl. It just shows that you are thinking about them there's just nothing better than putting the effort in to get your partner a little something every now and then its just special.
The key of making it work is creating and maintaining a strong solid foundation its what being in a long distance relationship is about.
I hope you enjoyed my 7 tips on the survival on long distance relationships.
"Distance is just a test to see how far love can travel"
Well I've had a thought, What does living life to the fullest really mean?. I've heard many people my age always saying this phrase but what do they mean by it. It's posted all around social media, Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook you name it. I'm just trying to get my head around it, does it mean we should stick in at school make the most of our education and aim high or living life on the edge like let's just go and live on a beach in the middle of no where with turtles. Ha ha I don't know ignore me.
I'm just interested like career wise, all my life I've been told that university is the way forward and that I should aim for a job with good money and to be able to have a luxury lifestyle. When I think about it though, I don't think I'd be happy. Personally, sitting in an office for 60 years I would feel like I was wasting my life away and we only get one life right?.
Everybody can live their life the way they want, it's freedom of choice. I'm not criticising anyone all I'm saying is maybe we don't explore life as we should do or at least enough.
Like the government's always telling us that we should be working, not only to mention the point that there's hardly any jobs. But we work just to make them happy like what? We work many hours a week just for some of our money to go to them to spend on pathetic plans but also to people who take advantage of life or at least having had the best chance at life. Yes, I get the fact that we have to work to support ourselves but why really do we have to give up some of our wage that we worked for to support other people too and to have it wasted on worthless plans for example The Olympics- what a waste of money, yes the Olympics were great, but are we really using these sports facilities again. No? So its a waste.
Well, lately this question has been playing on my mind quite a lot. Every time I'm out in public, I always find certain conversations about depression- there's always somebody. Which worries me as clearly there is more people suffering from the illness itself. The question ithey always end up asking their friend is- Will it ever get better or easier?
Many people have different views on depression, some people just shrug it off and say well everybody becomes depressed every now and it's all part of life. What makes someone more superior than someone who is sad? Just a thought.
Then there's other people who actually believe that the awareness should be spread even more, as it seems to be a clear problem in Britain itself and it just gets ignored - which isn't good and it's going to cause problems, especially if our younger generation are suffering from the illness then this is going to lead to all sorts of problems such as self harm and suicide numbers obviously would be soaring up not just with the younger generation though of course it will be everybody.
Depression is caused from many things, there's humans who have came out of abusive relationships, people who abuse their bodies with alcohol and drugs, had a tough childhood, being bullied, cyber-bullying, eating disorders, break ups and divorces and a certain loss in the family all these things can swallow you up in the big black hole of depression. But the question is does it get better?
Well it's what you make of it...If you believe that depression is just a phase and it will pass then why don't you just wait till every thing's hunky dory again. But guys wait! With many people depression is a long term illness and it isn't ever going to go away but what I'm saying to you is, its what you make of it; depression is based on your mind set, you're a victim of your own mind.
Don't let it win, if your in a negative mind set of course you're going to feel like its the end of the world and want to go and just want to do something silly and out of the question. Let me ask you something? When your doing something you enjoy, do you even once think about your problems and start breaking down. Well you don't even though I'm rubbish at science I do understand from a science perspective that when you are doing a certain activity you are concentrating which doesn't give any time for your worries or problems to start playing games with your mind.
Yes, you can't always be doing activities but to not feel depressed at least a couple of times a week is better than nothing and it's taking the pressure off and making things at least a little bit easier for you.
People making it hard for you? GET RID OF THEM. You don't need negative people in your life at all and I know what your going to say "Aw, but I love them, I couldn't live without them" When they go away for a few hours your still breathing. You need to focus on what's best for you, for you to be able to get better.
However, its your decision I'm just a blogger. I can't change your mind or help you with the click of my fingers I'm not God. Again its what you make of it...its down to you to make it better for yourself.
Trust me, I've been there I know how it feels.
Stay Strong Always.
Charlie Bear x
Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I have been rather busy with my A Level college work, in my first month of it all now and I've got to say I'm pretty much enjoying it. Maybe I haven't made a huge group of friends but maybe that's what college isn't about just making friends - its a time to be independent and actually put your head down and work.
My life at home has always been great as usual wonderful parents, crazy brothers and sisters and of course my two doggys. Starting to actually realise that maybe I should get a job not to benefit myself but to actually help my parents out as they've already done so much to help me out and I want to help them back as they're bloody wonderful and my life wouldn't be the way it is too this day without them.
My depression has been at a low for the past couple of weeks- which is great no more sad Charlotte! well my mood could change at any moment. It's what I'm like geez! Wish I could just be happy all the time!
Well this is kind of just a personal account from me you can read this if you want, you don't have to but anyways here goes.
Yesterday I had my first ever depression you could say attack in a while...I had a good morning and then I went into Sixth Form enjoyed my lesson of Sociology. Then everything just turned to pot, my mood just changed in seconds people were bumping past me and it really annoyed me which it wouldn't normally...my handbag hit against a few people by an accident and I just felt so embaressed which topped my mood off even more.
I had to get the bus home alone, which was awful but I just couldn't wait to get home and then I got on this really busy bus and by this time I just wanted to break down and cry. I rang one of my friends just to confide in him and honestly the things I was saying...I've never said in ages since I've been recovering from my past with my mother.
I was saying things like is life really worth it, Why does everything always go wrong for me? Why am I so clumsy all of this running through my mind. I literally didn't want to be alive and this scares me the fact that I didn't want to be alive and I wasn't having any doubts about it...I hadn't felt like this in so long. In fact I never wanted to feel like this ever...again.
It wasn't until I got in the house I felt like I was in my safe zone and nobody could hurt me, then all my positive feelings come back the fact that I've got my family by my side and leaving them could be the last thing I ever do. I had a bath and watched finding nemo things to take my mind off this attack I was having.
I feel better today but just needed to get it off my chest it shows that you can really stop yourself from doing something stupid by just thinking positively.
This ever happened to you before?
If it has don't be afraid to email me? I'd love to hear other stories and people who are in the similar boat to me.
Well, I know what you're proberly thinking right now...she's a girl how can she know what guys find attractive about girls. Well today I did some research on finding out what guys found most attractive about girls and I was looking for the most responses...looking at male youtube videos there was many points that each of them made thats the same. So I gathered 5 things that most guys find attractive about girls let's get started!!
1.Adventerous Girls.
From my research most guys like a adventerous girl, a girl that's not afraid to do anything and wants to explore the world and has a wild side, and doesn't hold back they find this attractive more than someone who is afraid of everything and won't try something new. Basically a girl who believes in living life to the fullest.
2. Girl who makes the first move
Most guys would find a girl that makes the first move really attractive and would be impressed as it elminates the whole sterotype that a guy should always be the one who makes the first move, or asks the girl out on a date. A girl who makes the first move, kiss or asks the guy out on a date shows that they really are out going and have confidence which is a really attractive trait to most guys.
3. A girl who dresses down comfortably
Apparently nothings more attractive than a girl who isn't afraid to dress down after a really long tiring day when with their boyfriend. Nothing is more attractive than a girl who exhanges their strapless red bodyform dress to a white tank top and joggers. I know, I know some girls can have confidence issues with this but some guys prefer it on the plus side girls...we get to be comfortable?.
4. Shorter girls
No offence to you taller girls, but when doing my research most guys liked the idea of a shorter girl maybe not short short but a girl that's smaller then them. Not only do they find it adorable with a short girl in little cute outfits its also create for hugs! as one guy explained they can just fit there hands around there waists and it's a perfect way to hug. Small girls are apparently cuter? Hm, Intereasting.
5. Girls who stand out and be themselves
A lot of guys find unique girls attractive as they come off as a mystery, they stand out from the crowd and don't try and be someone they aren't. They aren't afraid to tell someone how they think or feel, they won't stand for being messed about and this is attractive to many guys, a girl who can stand their ground. You don't have to be confident...just being yourself makes you perfect as you aren't trying to be somebody you are not.
Thanks for taking time to read my Things Guys Find Most Attractive About Girls, I would be so thankful if you followed me to see more of my blog and followed me on twitter which is @Charliebear166.
If you've got time or any ideas for me to write about please message me! I would love to hear any opinions or any ideas or even any cristcism to help make my blog a better one. Email: charliebearlewis@outlook.com
Thanks for the on going support!
Well, it has came to that time of the year again where children are going back to school next week and all of us teenagers getting ready to start the next round of tough GCSE's. The whole big time school rush, mothers trying to get all the uniforms in on time, organising what the first pack lunch will be.
However for some of us teenagers, its a whole different kettle of fish...this includes me some of us are done with school and are entering the adult world. Sixth form or college both are incrediably different and a huge jump from doing GCSE's in school.
I went to my very first college day today, and I'm not going to lie it really was tough. People already knew other people then there was just me. I decided to have a fresh start and meet new people...I kind of just got tired of the same old people in old school it really was time to move on.
I'm doing A levels which I'm not sure whether I'm going to love it or hate it but ethier way...I like a challenge and I know that A levels are what's best for me and properly the best route for getting into university.
So basically its all a fresh start for me...hopefully I will make new friends, there's still plenty of time for all that! Just got to focus on getting settled and getting used to my new lessons.
Sixth Form here I come!!!
Good Luck to those starting college or sixth form.
Charlie here, well... today I expierced the ice bucket challenge that everybody seems to be doing on the internet some people doing it for charity, doing it because its a craze or simply they were nominated by a friend or family member.
So, I was nominated by my lovely stepmother Julie Braid and they poured the freezing cold water into the bucket from a water hose and they put actual ice in. Note: When I've been watching other videos the buckets have had no ice in bearing in mind it is a ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE. The water was freezing but I don't regret it...such a good cause.
You can watch the video from my facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1500357840202138&set=vb.100006838095100&type=2&theater
Well I'm a very happy bunny with my results the hardwork has really payed off even though the grade boundaries had went up really high this year. Apart from that I've achieved good results! It's been really hard for me to actually concentrate this year with all the negative things that have been happening along with my battle with depression.
Here are my grades!
English- B
Maths - E
Science- C
Dance- C and D*
Sport- Pass
History - C
Drama- B
Religious Studies- B
Geography- C
Preparing for working life- Level 2
Good results to have left school with! Bring on A level!
Good Luck to all new year 11's and school leavers!
The worst thing that can ever happen to someone is when they change, yes I know people change all the time it's part of life there's nothing we can do about it. I'm talking about when people change for the worst.
These people could have once been your best friend, your partner I literally hate it. Well it's been happening to me with one particular person I used to think the world of. He's my ex boyfriend, we broke up four months ago as things just weren't right and you can't stay with someone you ain't happy with.
I made the big mistake of moving on fast which hurt him but it happened and he still promised we'd be close friends...me and him had a very strong friendship beyond the whole title of relationship. He met a new really pretty girl it didn't bother me in the slightest.
However he changed, He started being really cocky with me and it was like he was trying to chase me out of his life as if I didn't matter to him anymore. When he didn't have anybody he wanted me back, bla bla and then he meets this girl and I'm wiped completely of the face of this earth. Yet I did so much for him. Such a shame :(
Charlie here! Well today I'm going to share some of my own personal advice on how to get over or how to deal with a tough break up. Break up's are awful and unfortunatly they happen to all of us all of the time but once you actually get over your ex the whole situation can turn into a positive one. Break up's usually call for a new fresh start; That's great right? Let's get started!
Here's my 4 ways to deal/get over a break up!
Number one: Think about things, Why did you's break up?
This is important! To move on after a break
up you must actually think about the reasons why you's broke up in the
first place. Then these reasons make you realise that you may have enjoyed
the relationship at the time and yes you did have good times but sadly it just wasn't ment to be.
You don't want to be wasting your time on the wrong person.
Number two: Don't re-think your decision or consider taking your ex back.
Remember! If you broke up with your ex then you broke up with them for a reason and you need to leave it at that, an ex is an ex for a reason, you don't want to continue making the same mistake or to continue hurting your ex anymore. If you're ex broke up with you then why would you go back? You don't hurt the people you so called love and you want to be with someone who actually wants to be with you and doesn't mess you about.
Number three: Think negative of your ex.
Don't take this the wrong way! I'm not telling you to hate your ex or anything like that. However, when going through a break up if you think about the positives of your ex then getting over them will become a nightmare for you trust me. You need to think of all the negatives think about the times when your ex made you cry or when they hurt you or think of their flaws, their dirty habbits that may have annoyed you. By doing this you are slowly erasing your feelings towards your ex...it just helps. It helps me anyway.
Number four: Finally don't forget to smile It's not your fault. Your allowed to cry! but don't forget to get yourself back up, dust yourself off and put a smile on your face. It's a break up it doesn't make you a bad person...people break up it's part of life. It's proberly going to happen to you again and again until you find the right person for you. You can't beat yourself up forever because you weren't happy or because the relationship didn't work out. Like I said at the top of my blog three words I can sum up about what I've learned about life so far: it goes on.
Thats it! I hope you guys see me as someone you can trust and I'm always here for you's like i'd love to offer certain people advice or just to hear one of your stories. I'll be creating a youtube video for Wedensday called 8 ways to get over a break up! so with a little bit more personal advice from me.
Thanks for taking time to read my blog post guys!
Stay Positive! Keep Smiling
Charlie Bear x
P.s Please follow me and subscribe to be updated on my daily blog posts!
Add me on twitter @CharlieBear166 I follow back!
Well, today I've had a wake up call...I've seen one of my loved ones hurt because I never realised how much they've actually done for me. I haven't appreciated them enough. Guys, always show your loved ones espcially your parents and the people who do loads for you how much you love them. Because it hurts them feeling unappreciated and I'm sure you wouldn't like it if someone did the same to you. I'm not getting at anybody just myself...but I think we must stress how important it is, espically as theres many children who don't these days! Just a tip of the day! and a note to myself! Appreciate the ones you love always. Charlie Bear! Subscribe/follow me! Add me on Twitter I follow back :) @CharlieBear166
Well I've decided to create a youtube channel, it's not to become internet famous (like that will ever happen) or to try and earn money (like that will ever happen ethier). I've always just enjoy watching youtuber videos all the different werid things they like to blog about and one day I just thought to myself I can do that. Maybe I should give it a try.
So I had to think of some ideas for my very first video idea and I searched on google and there was all sorts of ideas like "Whats in my purse?" but the only problem was I don't own a purse and even if I did it would only have money and my make up in. What do people expect me to have in it? My sink.
I came up with the idea of an introduction video! Just to explain a bit more about myself so people could get to know me and what videos there actually going to be watching. I'm not sure if this is even going to work but I'm gonna give it a try! If not then so be it!
My video ideas!
Talk about my depression and offer advice!
Most embaressing things that could ever happen on a date.
The sad truth: Self Harming
Spreading the word about depression.
10 things girls find annoying about guys (and the other way round)
What really gets me about some people?
Question and answer.
Be unique not boring.
AND MANY MORE!!
Please have a look at my channel where you will find my video!
Oh and subscribe pleeaaaaseeeee!
I really can't believe how much this year has actually flown by; first I was excited to start my last year in secondary school and now look at me...exam time, prom have all came and gone so quickly as well.
Now it's ths big waiting game for results day! Have to say I can feel my nerves growing day by day because I know that if I don't get the grades, I need sixth form ain't gonna happen! Yes I could do them again but isn't that not just a waist of time?
Some of you guys, spiders may not bother you at all...well they scare me. I am petrified of them unfortunately, the people that can relate to me who have phobias of spiders or simply just are scared of spiders know that they can be a pain in our butts.
Well, last night I got no sleep what so ever, my little sister Keira who's 8 years old woke me up saying she wanted a drink and I was so tired so I tried to see if she would go back to sleep if I pretended that I was in a deep sleep. Then all I hear is her little squeal "Spider!" and I thought she was just trying to get attention and then she said it again I started to become a bit paranoid.
So I look up and there's this really ugly looking spider crawling all over the ceiling,we played musical beds for about an hour as the spider couldn't decide which side of the room it wanted to stay on. Then she hands me a book and goes you kill it and then we played pass the parcel with the book as none of us had the guts to kill this spider and then we finally look at each-other and go let's just get dad.
As everyday passes day by day on our earth, the more the world is waking up and realizing that there's more people suffering from depression than we think. This ranges from teenagers, new mothers, elders and even some of our role models celebrities, even just recently this Monday was the passing of the great comedian Robin Williams who is said to have committed suicide by drugs...when police asked his family for information they were told that Williams was actually suffering from depression - this proves that depression can happen to anyone. And it is. Deadly.
In my opinion, depression is a long term illness. I've had the illness from the age of 10 due to my negative upbringing and I attended therapy and it only would make me feel better for a short amount of time. Unfortunately depression doesn't just disappear with the click of our fingers...if only we all had a genie to grant us three wishes, making my depression disappear would be one of them and then following my perfect guy, and my own sloth.
Depression can almost be seen as non existent; it can be extremely difficult to understand which makes it really hard for people to seek the help that they actually need.
Now let me state that yes depression happens to everyone at times throughout everybody's life...however there are some people who are constantly stuck with feeling down all the time and not being able to push themselves back up to being happy again.
My battle with depression
Well, put aside all of the physical and emotional abuse that I was suffering from, all of this abuse effected me mentally from such a young age. When I was in primary school, I would look around and realise that I was very different from others...I noticed I dealt with things a lot more different to there friends; when they would cry they would run to their parents and then me on the other hand I wanted to be alone, normally I'd go find a corner in the playground to sit in until I felt better. I lacked a lot of love and attention from my parents which made my depression worse making me feel like I was worthless I wasn't lovable. I started to lie to my teachers like my dog just died or something like that and they would give me the attention that I craved so badly...sometimes they would even give me a hug when I really was secretly crying about my life at home which they had no clue about neither did my friends.
As I hit my teenage years things got a lot worse, my hormones were at a high and my mother had more reason to throw abuse at me. We would have these huge arguments...she would keep me up all night, just so she could vent her anger all out on me. I started to feel more and more negative...my confidence was so bad and I felt like the only thing that could make me better would be to self harm. One night I came in from school and I was texting my boyfriend she didn't really know about him just yet well until this night and she asked me who I was texting and I said my boyfriend. She wanted me to show her a picture of him, so I did and she mocked his looks and said "You're not really going for him, are you?" and I just looked at her and said "He looks after me". Next thing I knew she started ranting on to me about pregnacny and how it will happen to me, she said "I know what all boys are like, they only want one thing to get down your pants and they get you pregnant and then leave you". Fair enough yes she's my mother but she started to repeat herself over and over and wouldn't drop the subject...so i stormed out the room. I felt all these negative thoughts and feelings rush straight to my head and I just collapsed in the bathroom feeling a full heavy pain in my heart and it was if I was choking on my own emotions. Next thing I knew I had a razor in front of me, I woke up the next morning with cuts all over my arms and I realized that I was getting worse and it scared me.
There was one occasion that changed my life forever though, I went on holiday in the August month of 2012 with my mother and my grandparents we went to the canary island Gran Canaria. The first week went fine, chilling by the pool and the food was to die for! however the second week all went to pot. I started to get really close to my grandparents as I never really saw them much, they told me the truth about my mother and everything seemed so much more clearer where her anger actually came from. My mother and I had an argument one night and she was screaming at me because she was jealous of the relationship I was having with 'her' parents, she told me "You shouldn't be listening to the shit they tell you... you only listen to me got it, I'm your mother at the end of the day". At this point I couldn't care that she was just my mother, she didn't know what she's put me through and how badly damaged I was, all I could think of was when I was going to get home I was going to run away it didn't matter where I'd end up even in a ditch I'd be happier then.
When we got back, I left home and went to go and stay with my grandfather which only lasted one night... because my mother was so controlling she got the social workers and made one big lie up so she could get me back home. The social workers came to my school and said "You should be with your mother, not your grandfather" and they dragged me out screaming. When I got back to so called home, everything just got worse and I didn't think I'd ever live through it...this was the first time I attempted to take my own life. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thought what kind of life am I going to have? Is it always going to be like this? How much longer can I deal with this pain that I've been bottling up for so long. I tried to drown myself in my own bath that night and my body retracted it...most of all I simply just couldn't do it. This changed my life forever and I decided to actually tell my dad and my stepmam what had been going on for the past 14 years. The truth. It was about time they heard my story.
I remember it like it was yesterday, I had a huge breakdown just crying and telling them everything that had happened it was hard to get some words out because I was so emotionally damaged. It broke their hearts to see me in this state.
Thanks to them, they've turned my life around so much...when I moved out of my mothers they took me in to go and live with them, they made me realise that I need to focus on my education and to be able to prove my mother wrong... they've supported me this whole time along with my best friend Jessica. Without them, and the many counsellors I wouldn't be here to this day.
Quotes
Quotes always helped me to get through my depression and life in general. They made me feel like somebody else out there felt my pain and they also just gave me a better understanding of how I felt. This is one of my favourite YouTube videos with quotes on depression it's 14 minutes long but well worth the watch.
How can I help?
Unfortunately I'm not God... but I'm here to listen to you's, you can tell me your own personal story or even ask for advice. Thank you for taking time to read my blog on depression, I'd appreciate any comments below.
Nobody should suffer alone; I've got your back.
Charlie Bear x
Twitter- @CharlieBear166
Email me! CharlotteLewis17@outlook.com
All about me!
Hey, my names Charlotte however I go by "Charlie Bear" on my twitter, it's a nickname that I had been introduced to when I met my dad for the very first time after 14 years. He told me it's what I had always been called since being a little baby and it's just kind of stuck with me for these past two years.
I'm 16 years old, nearly 17. I was born on the 5th of November 1997 which yes! Makes me a bonfire baby (you would only understand that if your from England).
I decided to start a blog because I thought it would be loads of fun and it's something that would suit me very well...I think I've got good ideas to write about, also I love offering advice to people. Since I was 7 years old, I've always just been everybody's ear to lend or shoulder to cry on...I'm just good at giving advice from my past experiences, as unfortunately life hasn't always been kind to me.
That brings me to the dark side, since being a little girl I was abused emotionally and physically by my own mother...as I started to hit puberty and my hormones starting things got much worse. I got in touch with my father in 2012 after 14 years of not seeing him since my mother stopped all contact from him when I was a baby...I moved out of my mothers house two years ago in the October month and I've lived with my father and his beautiful family to this day very happily. The abuse sadly damaged me mentally, and I suffer from depression it's not something I like to brag about as nobody asks to have this illness...it brought me down everyday and that's where it led to the self harm and suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide. I went through loads of therapy and realised that to get better I had to surround myself around positive people...I started to recover eventually and I still am to this very day.
I have a passion for performing arts, it wasn't the fact that I could sing, dance or act that made me love it so much. I loved it because it made me confident and in the performance world I was fearless and nobody could touch me or hurt me. When I got on stage I became a total different person... and I would just explode into performance all the time. I love musicals Mamma Mia, Hairspray, Wicked, Taboo, Fame, Annie, The Lion King and Blood Brothers! the list just goes on and on!
Thank you for taking time to read my "all about me" I would appreciate any support or advice you guys want to give me!
